[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job