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ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver