Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd