@Rollmaninoz

*Doing the hokey pokey*
Snake: guys, this is some bullshit

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@Sassafrantz

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

@Henry_3k

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

@dmc1138

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

@AnniemuMary

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

@KeetPotato

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

@intellegint

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@gvicks

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.