Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
*Doing the hokey pokey*
Snake: guys, this is some bullshit
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Life cycle of cat
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*hovers mouse over send button*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.