Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
You Might Also Like
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
When you’ve simply given up.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I gave up going to work for lent.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Just a phase…
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.