If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going
Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.