@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

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@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@HenpeckedHal

If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.

@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

@hippieswordfish

[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’

@Marlebean

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@heyitsJudeD

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?