@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

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@Dawn_M_

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

@PastorBate

Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@tsm560

[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …

@VisionBored1

Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going

Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally

@ibid78

*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.

@Death_Buddy

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

@HockeyGoddess24

I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..

@ramblinma

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.