Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

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If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot


If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.


GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.


[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’


I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.


HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit


To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.


Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?