If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[calls wife] honey help
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
HER: congratulations on having twins
HER: but there’s only two of them
To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?