Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
This is me 🤣🤣
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Lmao
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.