Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
whatcha thinkin bout
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.