Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*puts my mental health in rice
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.