Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

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Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase


The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.



Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying


billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this



I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.


The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe


I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.


I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.