[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Big Sex has us all fooled
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.