WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now