[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

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WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?



“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato


dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real


Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are


I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.


[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit


“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁


Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*


Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?