doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks