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@tinynietzsche: doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
@IjeomaOluo: Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?
10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.
10yr old: No, a spy! What's a douchebag?
@notacroc: Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
@WheelTod: [Couples' Counselling]
Her: If he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches I'm leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don't downsize our unit!
@meganamram: Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
@delusions_of: The guy at the urinal next to me doesn't appreciate my theories on "Game of Thrones".