doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
this came to me in a vision
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be