She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”
[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”
“Welcome to Management”
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Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I’m not. For years, I’ve pretended to be white, when I’m actually a ladder.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁