[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
yeah no that’s fair
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.