Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
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If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day
Her: I’m your wife
Like I said, if you were my gf
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
friendship on fleek
If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.