@carlyken

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

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@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@mstern68

If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I’m your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@SirEviscerate

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.

@dumbbeezie

If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone

@moose_chocolate

“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.

@MannyDiesel

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

@Brentweets

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.