[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident