[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Sniffing the broccoli
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”