[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me recordaron éste meme
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
car salesman: 100%