[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears