[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.