[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf