Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.