the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.