@kelkulus

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

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@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@kissmydaisy

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

@sock_holliday

‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later

@BlindChow

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

@MaybePileJokes

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

@GrantTanaka

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

@theshamingofjay

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably

@ericsshadow

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

@SteveSuckington

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

@amishschool

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *