There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Me: *sobs uncontrollably
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *