Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.


Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.


‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later


[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend


satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.


dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.


dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.


been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that


Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably


My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.


How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?


* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *