Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
No. He’s not coming out to play
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
😂🤣😂🤣
Seas the day!!!!
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.