“What if a dumpster could yell at you” – the thought that led to this website probably. Goodnight
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.
Understanding women isn’t rocket science.
Rocket science has rules and boundaries.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters