@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

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@iamnotbillyjoel

“What if a dumpster could yell at you” – the thought that led to this website probably. Goodnight

@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.

@chagger73

Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.

@TheDiLLon1

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.

CW…..

@FunnyBison

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

@Cpin42

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters