Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!


I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.


Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap


God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.


Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.


3-year-old: I need to lie down.


Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.


Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.


Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*


I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.


People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.