@BoogTweets

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

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@AimeeHelene1

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@a_simpl_man

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

@bornmiserable

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

@ThatMummyLife

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

@fro_vo

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

@wilw

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

@ArfMeasures

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.