Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a