Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.