Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
called in thicc to work this morning
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
ok this is my dumbest yet
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub