@KKAlThani

Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

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@OBiiieeee

“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.

FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

@Kryzazy

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

@JWilsonGA

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.

@ABurgerADay

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

@Love_bug1016

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

@ArfMeasures

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit