@KKAlThani

Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

- @KKAlThani

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@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@insoMOMniac

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

@Nikkeya08

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@KenJennings

“Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background

@CulturedRuffian

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please