@KKAlThani
@SirEviscerate
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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@SirEviscerate
@Sickayduh
Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
@ZSmooth2
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
@JohnLyonTweets
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
@Marlebean
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
@SteveDutzy
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
@Book_Krazy
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
@HatfieldAnne
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
@geekonursleeve
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
@karanbirtinna
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?