@KKAlThani

Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

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@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@SamuelHLowe

*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*

@smerobin

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

@KalvinMacleod

[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

@Marcmywords2

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

@Manda_like_wine

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@TheMichaelRock

Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

@TheHyyyype

[first date]

HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs

@BlindChow

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*