“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.
FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE
Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit