@sbellelauren the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
@KKAlThani Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
- @KKAlThani
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@sbellelauren 
@insoMOMniac Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
@CyrusMMcQueen Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
@RichNeville A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.
@Nikkeya08 Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
@nappydolemite I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.
@Bob_Janke The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
@KenJennings “Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background
@CulturedRuffian If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
@originaljrod My stupid belt shrunk again today.