Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.


Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available


My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain


[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.


Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min


Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.


9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?


*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”


[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*


Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?