Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

- @KKAlThani

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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING


Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.


Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning


A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.


Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year


I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.


The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB


“Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background


If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please