Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.

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GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather



Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?


All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.


Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man


Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim


ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok


Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .


artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers


Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday