The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
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*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions
ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*