@kharizzmaaa

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

- @kharizzmaaa

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@HollywoodPalms

A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:

@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

@Jake_Vig

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@iwearaonesie

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

@BeardedRambles

Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.

@AimeeHelene1

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@Cunda22

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.