Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
two people or more is called a problem
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect