Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!