@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

@RexHuppke

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”344496860775460864″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”122″;s:5:”tweet”;s:106:”I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

@MacAnnabella

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

@novicefather

I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.

@simoncholland

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

@juneohara65

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.