domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.