domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

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If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.


Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone “what are you supposed to be?” without triggering an existential crisis.


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*


me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston


Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”


If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell


My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”


When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.