DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
You Might Also Like
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Thursday
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
no one ever comes back
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.