Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Need WebMD
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?