The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.