Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.