Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Every haunted house movie:
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.