Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Am I having a stroke?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.