[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.