I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
#JohnTravolta
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.