*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]
OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service