@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

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@Gupton68

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

@markedly

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

@TheSadnesses

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@mostlysharks

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

@Sammy_Sega

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

@RatCasket

[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]
OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.

@AndyAsAdjective

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

@Browtweaten

“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service