I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Shoo shoo! 😂
I only look at Wordle for the articles
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*