DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.