@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

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@kibblesmith

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

@elle91

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@TheChalupa1

I ate grapes and blueberries for breakfast today and I guess I’m a bear now

@murrman5

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

@9to5Life

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

@curlycomedy

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.