@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

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@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

@yonewt

How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice

@SkinnerSteven

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

@AndrewNadeau0

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@desusnice

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

@DaddyJew

Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”

No

“then cereal”

@YSylon

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.