Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Two types of dogs.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
This is a whole mood;
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.