Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS


(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond


[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]


My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.


Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.


I ate grapes and blueberries for breakfast today and I guess I’m a bear now


[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*


Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.


People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.