Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*serious situation*
My brain:
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt