When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
me, after any kind of buffet.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy