Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.