My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life