@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

You Might Also Like

@omgthatspunny

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.

@badbanana

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No