Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt