donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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Hero horse inspires millions
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
This probably isn’t good
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in