Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Great acting.. 😂
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??