Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

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barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”


am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes


I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.


[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do


PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*


I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster


Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”



Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?


I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive