barista: can i get a name?
me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster
Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”
Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive