@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

- @JoParkerBear

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

@huntigula

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

@Storminika

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

@dumbbeezie

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@dixonshuman

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

@QwertyJones3

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug