@DaddyJew

Donald Trump: nobody can out crazy me

Lena Dunham: here, hold my beer

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@ANastyGorilla

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

@MittenDAmour

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

@notmythirdrodeo

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

@notalogin

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

@markedly

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

@juliussharpe

I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.

@Sassafrantz

If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.