independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Happy Star Wars day!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?